I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
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