i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
