wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Randomize
