Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Fuck appropriateness.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Randomize
