I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
she smelled like a LAN party
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
