She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
