He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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