so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
