Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
