life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Randomize
