I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
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