dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
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