I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
