Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
