Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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