Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
