remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
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