Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
