I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
