matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Woke up backwards on a recliner
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Don't tell me you're on acid again
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
