i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
Randomize
