BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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