oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
