A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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