I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Randomize
