Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
