Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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