I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
