man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
