Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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