i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
