You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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