sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Randomize
