all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
