I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
