I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
