I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
they need to just BURY HIM!
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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