dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Michael Bay diarrhea
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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