i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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