you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Randomize
