Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
