why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize