For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
