You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Randomize
