Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
