I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
