you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
