i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
