i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Randomize
