Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Randomize
