You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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