Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
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