i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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