Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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