why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
being pregnant is like rehab
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Randomize
