What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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