ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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