moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
