is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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